Posted on | December 8, 2010 | 2 Comments
Last night I wrote the following passage in an attempt to deal with some issues I’m currently facing (which will be described furthur if you choose to continue reading). The idea was to articulate my thoughts openly and honestly, which I did. Today I thought about whether or not to post it, and decided that since the original idea was to do so, I would respect the impulse and put it on out there. It was therapudic for me to write it (aka, I feel it worked), and that gives me the confidence that there was a reason it came out the way it did. Who knows… maybe you will get something out of it too… Thanks.
I’ve never felt comfortable being completely open (in the sense that will follow) on such a public forum as the web, but my current situation calls for change and action, so I’m gonna give it a whirl.
For a long time — for most of my life — I’ve been following a sense of purpose. I don’t mean this romantically, or theoretically, or philosophically. I mean that I literally felt a pull in an inarguable direction, and could not imagine anything other that following that pull. At first I wouldn’t have been able to tell you much about it, but now, after 31 years of living it, I understand my purpose more and have directed my life to follow it. More specifically, when I was around 17, I got a more descript understanding of what I was meant to do with my life: to inspire others through the gift of music, and maybe even motivate them to become better people.
It started with studying and practicing, led to gigging for-hire with other bands, to becoming part of original projects, to discovering my own voice, and then to making music that I write myself my first priority. During the entire development, I was following what felt right, and with each step the importance of my evolution and refinement increased the intesity of emotional experience. In other words, it felt more and more “right” with every passing step.
Which leads me to why I’m writing this now: in the recent months, I have been feeling lost… disconnected from that feeling of “right.”
While it is most assuredly a discomfort, I am not naive enough to belive that bad times don’t come around. Unfortunately, even after several experiences with getting through “bad patches,” this one is challenging me more than ever. I haven’t felt a sadness like this before — never in my life. I know that my purpose is stronger than this, but I have yet to emerge from the… lowness. So I decided to take a look at myself, what I have experienced and learned in my life, and figure out what I need to do to pull myself out…
I feel the need to purge this weight. It’s hanging on me like nothing ever has, but all I want is for it to let go. Every time I have felt it hang the hardest, I have also felt the imminence of release… only to have it stop — to leave me on the brink of surmounting this obstruction. Quite literally, I have felt a tidal wave of tears on the brink of my eyes, only to have it pulled back. I know that I can’t move on until I release this, and yet every time I approach doing so, it gets halted at the last second.
So here I am, baring my soul to the massive reach of the internet, hoping that openly admitting to myself what I’m going through will help me aid this release, because I need to move on. I don’t want to be held down any longer by negativity and doubt. I want to return to what I know I am here to do, and I am tired of this getting in my way. I am part of something bigger than myself, and that’s more important than being down about things not going the way I hoped they would thus far. Life is a series of choices, and I am choosing not to let this depression win.
I have learned what I needed to learn from this bout with sadness… let’s get back to business, please. Thank you.